As Salaamu Alaikum,
I have a concern about something that has been affecting me for a while.
Throughout my day I am fine, relaxed, not worried or typically anxious. But when the time comes for me to go and make wudu and pray Salah I get anxious, worried, and very self-aware because I am worried about passing wind.
I try to relax myself but I can't. I start to be very aware of any gas I feel. I try to empty the gas inside of me by burping or passing wind sometimes but I'm still anxious and still fearing passing wind.
When I make wudu I can't just stand calmly and wash each part. I'm moving awkwardly and squeezing myself in so I don't pass gas. I really worry when I get to do my feet because I have to lift my leg and I'm worried about passing wind.
I sometimes constantly restart my wudu because I'm feeling something in my backside area that resembles wind sometimes and so I can't be 100% sure if it's wind or nothing but I'm definitely feeling something so to be safe I start my wudu over and over again. I also keep restarting my wudu because I keep forgetting if I did certain parts.
When this repetition happens I get very frustrated and exhausted and start to lose my mind a little due to being soaked in water and wasting so much time.
Coming out of the bathroom after finally finishing wudu I can't walk properly sometimes because I'm trying not to pass wind because it's like I feel a building up of gas in my backside area. I quickly try and dress to go pray and sometimes while trying to dress in my praying garment I feel something in my backside area, sometimes I write it off as nothing and other times I go an make wudu again.
When in salah I am constantly squeezing my backside in, I try to relax but sometimes I feel things. I can't stand or sit still sometimes.
Then sometimes gas starts to build up and I try and hold myself as hard as I can which is physically exhausting.
I don't know how unless Allah Subhanna wa Ta'ala makes it easy, how I'm going to develop khushoo in salah because my only focus is not passing wind.
Some days it takes me til the end of the prayer time after actively trying to make wudu and pray to get the salah done and even in my final attempt I feel something in my backside.
This happens almost every if not every salah. I would never dream of giving up salah but I need to find a better way of dealing with this inshaAllah because I'm actually feeling something, and now it's become difficult to differentiate gas and a feeling produced by other than gas.
I'm a student and I have to wonder how I will cope when school starts in sha'Allah because salah time will come during class hours. It can take me 30 minutes, an hour or more to finish one salah. One time it took me almost two hours just to pray Fajr.
I've read many fatwas. Everyone's answer is to just ignore it.I hope I've made it clear that I can't just ignore it because I am actually feeling something and this experience only shows up at wudu and Salah time. I don't know what to do but my iman is low, I'm getting depressed and I can't bare the psychological and physical stress and pain of this problem anymore. I will continue praying in sha'Allah but I need a solution. May Allah Subhanna wa Ta'ala grant me it.
I've thought about going to a therapist but I can't afford the right now. I honestly feel like this is a psychological problem that has begun to physically effect me with Allah Azawajal 's permission.
And something I really want to reiterate, these feelings are not my imagination. I am actually feeling something it’s just hard to tell if it’s wind or something else.